10
Things I Learned About
Divorce
by
Joan Bramsch |
For anyone who hasn't
been divorced, trust me,
divorce is never what
you imagine it to be.
Here are a few insights
that may save you a trip
to court, or at the very
least, give you some
idea of what may lie
ahead. Everything listed
here might not apply to
everybody. There will
always be exceptions to
every rule, but it
covers most of us.
1. It takes longer to
get your divorce behind
you than you think, or
can allow yourself to
believe.
I thought I had it
together after a year.
Then I thought I had it
together after three
years. Then I was
impressed when I could
say I had been divorced
five years. Then I was
devastated that I could
be brought to tears in
seconds after eight
years when something
inappropriate, I
thought, was said to me.
I guess it's always
"there," but
fortunately with each
passing year it feels
longer ago, less
important and more
comfortable. But unlike
your child's owies, it's
never quite all gone. As
that old saying goes,
marriage may not be
forever, but divorce is.
2. Going through divorce
is a physical
experience.
This one took me by
surprise. My body seemed
to experience a
death-defying whirlpool.
I hate speed, roller
coasters and the feeling
of one's stomach
dropping when on a
turbulent airplane ride.
But I can remember
having all those
feelings --
simultaneously -- while
just sitting in a chair
after we separated.
Yuck! Fortunately this
usually passes in three
to nine months. Shorter
than #1, but not short
enough!
3. It never works out
according to plan --
yours, that is!
And even when it does,
it's only for a short
time. Life after divorce
is always changing and
you won't have a lot of
control over those
changes. We often get
hopelessly caught up in
parenting plans when we
first separate, and,
while that is important,
it doesn't usually
prepare you for the
ongoing changes and
negotiations that go on
for years -- changes
that you don't always
like but learn to live
with. There is the
ongoing tradeoff of
deciding which battles
will catch your children
in the middle, and
figuring out when one
must learn to lose a
battle to win the war.
Or should I say the
peace -- the peace of
mind your children need.
Life takes twists and
turns that will never be
in the "plan,"
so you must learn to go
with the flow or be
hopelessly mired in your
own anger or
disappointments.
4. Parental time (a.k.a.
custody) and shared
financial responsibility
(a.k.a. child support)
are NOT tied together.
Though they might be
tied together in the
eyes of your mother or
your mother-in-law,
these are two separate
issues. When you confuse
them or make them
cause-and-effect items,
you do a squeeze on your
kids. It seems like such
a natural ("If he
doesn't pay support on
time, well then the kids
just won't be ready on
time or at all" or
"I'll be damned if
I'm going to send a
check this month if she
and her honey are going
on a ski trip with the
kids -- that's not what
I'm sending support
for.") but this is
not a life situation
where each month comes
to an even tally. It
never is even. Equitable
is the best you can hope
for. Marriage isn't
even, so divorce sure
ain't gonna be.
5. You never outgrow
your wish to be the
favored parent.
Remember when your kids
asked you who you loved
best, you knew what a
silly (but honest)
question it was because
everyone likes being
first in the hearts of
those they love.
Unfortunately in a
divorce, when parents
aren't together to hear
news in a shared
situation, your child
will tell one before the
other. It doesn't mean
you're the less favored,
secondary or unfavorite
parent, but it sure does
feels like it. So you
have to learn to forgive
yourself when those
competitive feelings
crop up from the dark
depths of your soul and
learn to laugh at them.
Remember you're not
alone.
6. Divorce doesn't
"fix" your ex.
If your former spouse
was cheap, never on time
and thoughtless before
the divorce, he or she
will continue to be
tight, late and prone to
saying stupid things in
the divorce. The things
that you tolerated in
marriage under the
perfume of love will
infuriate you in
divorce. You thought you
were done with putting
up with
"_____" (fill
in the blank), but it
continues just like it
was in your marriage.
You have to learn to
accept, overlook and
forgive, or else you are
going to expend lots of
wasted emotions on
someone you're not even
married to. You can only
be angry with or hate
someone you care about.
(Ain't that a bummer!)
Also, your lawyer can't
make your ex-spouse be a
sensitive person or
parent, so don't waste
unnecessary dollars
trying to have your
lawyer get
"through" to
him or her. When you can
begin to replace the
word "wrong"
(as pertains to
parenting skills, money
values, personal habits,
etc., etc., etc.) with
the word
"different,"
you'll have come a long
way toward acceptance.
7. Divorce, unlike
marriage, is FOREVER
when there are kids.
Unless you really wish
to lose your position as
a parent (which is THE
hardest on kids), you
will have family
occasions, graduations,
shared holidays,
christenings, weddings
and funerals that will
continually bring you
together over the years.
Those knots in your
stomach at shared public
events, especially in
the beginning, are known
only to others who have
been through divorce. No
one else has a clue.
Approaching your ex
first with a friendly
word at such events puts
everyone else at ease
and is a worthwhile
practice. And with
practice, and some
history, you may find
those stomach knots
actually loosening.
Mortal enemies have been
known to actually become
friends, sometimes good
friends, and many find
they can be kind of
comfortable
"cousins."
8. If you don't hate
your exiting spouse when
you first separate, you
will within three months
to three years.
It's next to impossible
to skip this one, though
it always seems to come
as a surprise. Why, I'm
not sure. Now you both
have different agendas
and no way will your
priorities (usually
money concerns or kid
issues) be the same as
your ex's. It's okay,
and sometimes even
important, to be angry
with your ex (for a
certain amount of time
-- not forever), but
it's not okay to share
or show that anger with
your children or in
front of your children.
Not easy, but for their
mental health, their
need for a safe haven
and their need to love
both parents, you've got
to keep these volatile
feelings to yourself --
or limit them to your
therapist or support
group.
9. The day your ex
remarries is really
painful.
The only thing worse
than hearing from a
third party that your ex
is remarrying, is
actually hearing the
news from your ex.
Obviously this is a
no-win situation. No
matter how glad you are
that your ex is your ex,
you'd never take him/her
back, and you're
thankful you're
divorced, it's still a
painful time. It's that
last nail in the coffin
of what was once your
marriage, and your hopes
and your dreams. If you
know anyone whose ex is
getting remarried, don't
let them spend that day
alone. And if you know
your ex is getting
remarried, don't spend
it by yourself, unless
you really enjoy digging
a dark hole and crawling
into it. (Obviously the
kids will be attending
the wedding and unsure
of how to be of comfort
to or deal with the
other parent.)
10. After all this, know
that there is still such
a thing as a good
divorce.
Yes, you read that line
correctly. Now this is
not to be confused with
divorce is good, but
there are ways of
turning this lemon into
lemonade. Read up on how
to do it. There are lots
of books to help you --
I've written one. Making
peace with life's
changes is good for you,
for your kids, and for
your life. Divorce is
not the path to be
recommended easily, but
it's not a terminal
illness, or a contagious
disease either.
I did not come up with
the term "good
divorce." I'll
credit that to Constance
Ahrons, author of the
book "The Good
Divorce." "A
good divorce," she
says, "is not an
oxymoron.
Astonishingly, in my
studies I found half the
divorcing couples we
interviewed had
civilized, and many
amicable, relations with
each other.
Another surprise was
that almost everybody
wished to be on better
terms with his or her
ex, even the ones who
had bad relationships.
I'm tired of the
doomsday reports and the
label of the 'broken
home.' We have been so
inundated with negative
stories of divorce, that
men and women need to
hear the message that
they can make their
families work better,
minimize stress, and not
feel like total
failures. In a good
divorce, a family with
children remains a
family -- one that is
sufficiently cooperative
to permit kinship bonds
to continue.
Perhaps if we begin to
revise our expectations
of what divorce means,
all parents who divorce
can do so with civility
and respect."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vicki Lansky's
practical, common sense
approach to parenting
and household management
is familiar to thousands
throughout the world.
Her books, audiotapes,
newsletter, media
appearances, magazine
and newspaper articles
and reviews, make her
one of America's most
popular and visible
parenting figures.
According to one
parenting newspaper,
"If you have young
children and you don't
use Vicki Lansky's books
as a reference, you are
working too hard!"
Visit her website at
http://www.practicalparenting.com
|
| About
the Author |
JOAN
BRAMSCH is a family
person, educator, writer
and E-publisher. Her
articles appear
internationally in print
and online. Six of her
best-selling adult
novels - near one
million copies - have
worldwide distribution.
Her
Empowered Parenting
Ezine serves 1000
parents around the
globe.
http://www.JoanBramsch.com
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