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Kissing
Connectivity:
Keeping Your Relationships Hot
By
Edel Jarboe
A
kiss can mean so much, or
nothing at all. Remember when
you
were five years old and you
thought kissing was yucky? It
wasn't until adolescence that
the meaning of a kiss was
slowly
revealed to us. Between
giggles we confessed our first
kisses,
our secret initiation into the
"adult" world. No
one talks
about kisses anymore. Oh, we
read about them in romance
novels
or see them on the big screen,
but no one discusses them in
hushed whispers between
blushes and giggles. We are
adults.
Kissing is commonplace for us
now. Most of us kiss our
partners
without thinking at least once
a day. But shouldn't a kiss
always be special?
What is a Kiss?
A kiss is more than the
sharing of lips and breath. It
is a
mingling of hearts and souls.
A slight tingle, a funny
feeling
in the tummy, a racing heart,
is to be expected. A kiss is
an
intimate connection to another
human being and a simple way
to
express love and affection. It
is also a way for us to
confirm
that our partner is "the
one" and traditionally,
the marriage
vow is sealed with a kiss as
well. What better way to seal
the
promise of love?
The First Kiss
The anticipated first kiss is
one that we both long for and
dream about. And, whether
remembered as sweet and
tender, shy
and hesitant, or as bumped
heads and noses, we don't
forget it.
A kiss is a thing of wonder.
We wonder if and when the
object
of our affections will bestow
us with a kiss. We wonder if
our
knees will get weak, our pulse
will race, or if it will be a
dud. So much depends on a
kiss.
We analyze every detail of our
interaction with the opposite
sex with the precision of a
scientist. He smiled at you
when
you walked by. Does he like
you? You went to see a movie
with
subtitles and he seemed to
like it. Does he really like
foreign
movies or is he only trying to
please you? Will he call you
again? You go out on your
second date. And then,
somehow, you
kiss. Your heart soars. He
likes you! Could this be love?
According to Leslie Parrott,
Ed.D, co-director of the
Center
for Relationship Development
(http://www.realrelationships.com)
at Seattle Pacific University
and author of
"Relationships:
Making Bad Relationships
Better and Good Relationships
Great",
women do read more into
kissing than men. "It can
make them
feel attractive, cared for,
and even boost their
self-esteem.
Women unconsciously use
kissing as a barometer for how
much
they're respected, valued, and
loved," says Dr. Parrott.
The Passionate Kiss
You can't wait to feel and
touch each other. Your mouths
and
hands are busy, your hearts
are pounding, and you can
literally
see sparks fly. Passion is a
wonderful thing. It makes us
feel
more alive, more connected to
our partner. But,
realistically,
one cannot expect passion in
every kiss. Kisses can range
from
slow, sweet ones to urgent,
fiery ones. Moreover, it us
unrealistic to expect passion
every single day of our lives.
How many times in books, the
movies, and in real life has
it
been proven that a
relationship built on passion
alone cannot
survive? Without a deep,
emotional connection between
two
people, a lasting love cannot
thrive. And by lasting love, I
mean one that can withstand
the ups and downs of every day
life. Factors like
compatibility, similar values
and goals,
mutual respect, trust, and
friendship should be weighed
alongside physical attraction.
A passion that feeds on itself
will eventually burn out.
Are you and your partner in a
romantic rut? Have your kisses
with your partner lost their
zing lately? Don't throw in
the
towel just yet. As your
relationship continues to
grow,
continue to grow the passion.
If you and your partner
concentrate on feeling an
emotional connection with each
other,
you will make a passionate
connection as well.
"For couples
who have been [together] for
some time, kissing isn't as
exciting as it was when you
first started dating,"
says Dr.
Leslie Parrott. "But you
need to continue to make
kissing a
priority," she continues.
"Passionate kissing is
great but one
of the goals of kissing is to
stay connected."
The Perfunctory Kiss
"Bye, Honey. Have a nice
day," we say with a quick
peck on the
lips as we leave in the
morning to start our workday.
It's part
of the routine. Just one more
thing to do on our way out the
door. Often, once the days of
courtship are over, couples
tend
to fall into a routine, which
is anything but romantic.
A kiss can communicate so
much. Love, tenderness,
passion, and
devotion, to name just a few.
It can also serves as a
barometer of a relationship.
"Because kissing is a
part of the
daily interaction a couple
shares. It can send
spontaneous and
frequent signs of affection
and love," Dr. Parrott
states. In
the early stages, we kiss our
partners a lot because we need
the reassurance that a kiss
can bring. Once we are settled
into
a relationship, we need less
reassurance because we feel
more
secure in our partner's love.
But, as time goes on, there is
the danger that a couple will
stop expressing their love
with
kisses. The kisses start to
taper off. You only kiss hello
or
good bye or while making love.
The love that is between you,
while cherished, is not
something that you think about
anymore.
It is just there. Sometimes
spoken, sometimes not.
No one likes to be taken for
granted, especially not your
partner, and your love
shouldn't be either. A kiss is
such a
simple way to keep the love
you and your partner share
alive.
Notice that I said share. Both
you and your partner owe it to
each other to work at keeping
the love and passion alive.
Yes,
love requires work too.
Anything worth doing or worth
having
does. However, Dr.
Parrott also advises
"while it's great when
you and your partner are on
the same passion scale, there
will
be times when one partner will
go through a quieter time
sexually. Don't take it
personally or withdraw.
Stay connected
by talking and touching and
giving them space."
Kissing 101
1. Remember how special you
and your partner are together.
2. Be creative. Kiss your
partner's forehead, eyelids,
cheeks,
nose and chin, before kissing
your partner on the mouth.
3. If you don't like your
partner's kissing style, tell
them
gently how you would like to
be kissed. Better yet, show
them.
4. Gently caress your
partner's hands, neck, or back
as you
kiss. Make it more than a mere
meeting of the lips.
5. If you don't have time for
a "real kiss", make
a verbal
promise of "Later."
You and your partner will have
something to
look forward to and you will
have put the magic of
anticipation
back into your relationship.
Other Daily Steps to Intimacy:
1. Really listen to each
other.
2. Be there for each other.
3. Touch each other.
4. Go out on a
"date" at least once
a month. Maybe even re-
create your first date.
5. Have a candlelight dinner.
6. Plan a special day together
for just the two of you.
Following are more passion
tips provided by Dr. Leslie
Parrott:
1. Have a "How's your
love life?" conversation.
Ask your
partner to rate their level of
passion and intimacy on a
scale
of 1 to 10. The very act of
having the conversation
increases
the level of satisfaction for
both of you.
2. Write a love letter to your
mate. Make it a little
unpredictable. Throw your
partner off guard by saying
things
you don't normally say.
3. Agree to take turns
initiating affection so it
doesn't
always fall to the same
partner.
4. Every once in a while,
schedule passion on your
calendar in
advance. Focus on your
"appointment" in the
hours preceding so
your passion and excitement
has time to really build.
Copyright
© 1999 by Edel Jarboe.
All Rights Reserved.
------------------------------------------------------------
About the Author: Edel Jarboe
is the founder of Self Help
for<
Her.com (http://www.selfhelpforher.com),
an online self-help
magazine helping you create
your better life. She also
publishes a free weekly
newsletter, which features
advice on
goal setting, stress
management, coping with
difficult people,
and overcoming obstacles:
Subscribe
(mailto:subscribe@selfhelpforher.com)
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