Do
You Love Someone Who
Suffers From Depression?
by Dave Turo-Shields,
ACSW, LCSW |
Relationships
in which one individual
is depressed are nine
times more likely to
divorce. Wow, the normal
divorce rate
is already over 60%
nationally! But, it's
not always a
spouse who is depressed,
sometimes it is a child
or an
extended family member.
In this article,
however, we'll be
focusing on depressed
partners. Most people
agree that marriage
should be 50/50.
We all know this is an
ideal, and, with the
ebb-and-flow of
marriage, the
percentages slide up and
down but should do
so in both directions.
For instance, one week
the wife
gives 70% and the
husband 30% and another
week the husband
give 80% and the wife
20%. This is the way
"ideal"
marriages work.
Unfortunately, this is
not the case when
chronic depression
enters the marriage.
Let's say that the
husband has
chronic depression. The
wife may pick up many of
the tasks
that would customarily
fall to the husband.
Depending on
how long this goes on,
an avalanche of negative
momentum
begins.
The longer this process
goes on, the more the
wife begins
to feel resentful,
hence, there is less
compassion for the
one struggling with
depression. Yet, for the
wife, it's
like being a single
mother while married.
I've been told
by many spouses that it
would be easier to be a
single
parent than to live with
a spouse struggling with
depression, because it's
like having a
special-needs child
in addition to all the
other responsibilities.
I do not make any of
these remarks to assign
blame or
heighten anyones sense
of being victimized.
It's very
important to understand
that EVERYONE suffers
when
depression attacks a
loved one. Blame only
functions to
create animosity and
distance between two
loved ones.
Sometimes the spouse of
a depressed partner
becomes
depressed as a result of
living within a
"depressed
lifestyle" for too
long. Depression is said
to be
contagious and can
become a shroud over the
spouse or
family. It's also vital
to consider that
depression may
not only be genetic, but
it can also be taught.
You heard
me right. For instance,
our children's most
powerful
classroom is the home.
Both "Nature and
Nurture"
contribute to
depression.
Depression works its way
into your moods,
attitudes,
behaviors, tone of
voice, posture, life
outlook, personal
hygiene, work ethic,
spiritual beliefs and so
on. If you
live in a
"depression
atmosphere" you are
constantly
modeling and teaching
how to be depressed. I
hope this
serves as inspiration
for change, not shame.
Shame only
feeds the power of
depression.
The first step in a plan
of action is to know
that it is
actually depression that
you're dealing with. I
won't go
into those details here.
You can find those
answers at the
website listed in my
biography below.
Naming and accepting the
problem is half the
battle, for
BOTH spouses. Why? Well,
when folks are
depressed, there
is no obvious scientific
evidence to prove it.
And yet
people have an
instinctive need to what
is causing such
pain. The depressed
person may project their
negative
feelings onto those
closest to them, i.e. a
spouse, a boss,
the children, the
neighbors etc. If you're
married to a
depressed person, at
times you may question
your own sanity.
You might blame external
sources for your
spouse's
suffering. Without
understanding, you might
attack your
spouse, assuming they do
not care or are lazy.
What
appears to be marital
problems, may, in fact,
be depression.
But certainly marital
problems can develop
over time when
depression goes
untreated.
Another important fact
to point out is that men
and women
experience depression
differently and each
will respond
differently when their
spouse is depressed.
This requires
two separate articles
just to begin to
respectively cover
gender issues involved
in depression.
Here's what to do. First
and foremost, realize
that
depression is the foe,
not your spouse.
Developing a
"we"
instead of an
"I" approach
to depression treatment
is vital.
A good recovery motto
might be best summed up
from the
cartoon, Bob the
Builder: "Can WE do
it? Yes WE can!"
Do everything you can to
learn about depression.
Seek
professional advice. If
depression has been
present for a
long time, both the
relationship and the
depression will
require attention.
Have individual and
marital recovery plans.
It's the
surest way to give
depression the one-two
punch that can
knock it out of your
lives. Write your
recovery plans down
and spend time
reviewing, modifying and
noting progress
made.
Once depression is
stabilized, create a
list of "red
flag" symptoms.
This serves as your
safety net. If these
symptoms recur it would
indicate that prompt
attention is
required. Then list
solutions you each are
willing to act
on if you notice
symptoms reappearing.
Commit to this in
writing and each of you
sign it.
Create external support
systems. Note that I did
not say
external griping
sessions. There's a
major difference
between griping and
purging. The former only
feeds
righteous resentment,
and deepens the
depression problem
overall, and the latter
helps clean you out.
Support pillars can be
comprised of friends,
colleagues,
churches, support groups
and any place you decide
is safe
to disclose to. Do not
hide your dirty laundry
in the
closet, so-to-speak.
Depression loves to
isolate
individuals, marriages
and entire families.
It's one of
the primary ways it
grows strong.
Do recovery activities
together. Attend therapy
or
psychiatry sessions
together. Participate in
online
counseling together.
Read a depression
recovery book
together. Exercise
together, pray together
or keep a mood
log together. If your
children are at the
appropriate age,
educate them about
chronic depression.
There are good
childrens books on
chronic parent illness.
Most importantly,
develop the
"WE!" It's you
and your
spouse against this
powerful depression foe.
Together you
can do this!
Best recovery wishes and
always let me know if I
can be of
any help.
|
| About
the Author |
Dave
Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW
is an author, university
faculty member, success
coach and veteran
psychotherapist
whose passion is guiding
others to their own
success in
life. For weekly doses
of the webs HOTTEST
success tips, sign up
for Dave’s powerful
“Feeling Great!”
ezine at
http://www.Overcoming-Depression.com
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